Miscellaneous: Toodles!

In the words of excellent 80s band Europe, this is the final countdown! Tomorrow is my last day of work before the wedding, so this seems like a good time to bid you all a temporary farewell.

I'll be back in a couple of weeks with pictures of the big day and Honolulu. Until then, shop well and don't pay more than you have to!

Ma, Look What I Got: Hey, Shorty!

I'm a little distracted by today's episode of Maury--a 16-year-old boy is dating a 47-year-old woman (why doesn't somebody just call the police instead of a TV show?)--but I'll try to focus on the shopping.

At this time next week we'll be in Honolulu. I'm trying to avoid checking a bag because what if they lose it? Ideally, we'll get all of our stuff into a carry-on suitcase and a backpack, which means my clothes will have to mix and match. I did some last-minute neutral shorts hunting on Saturday:

I know I knocked J. Crew the other day, but they came through this time. These shorts are $39.50 at at jcrew.com. If you go to the outlet store, they're hangin' out on the clearance rack for $19.97, plus an additional 30% off. I paid $13.98 for them.

The only discernable difference between the "real" shorts and the "knockoff" kind is the fabric trim on the inside of the waistband, which nobody is going to see anyway, unless you wear them inside out. (And if you do, you probably have bigger problems than finding beachwear.)

Miscellaneous: STOP THAT.

You guys, time-travel is a serious thing. It shouldn't be attempted unless you know what you're doing, as we have learned from Back to the Future. Apparently, the folks at Nine West got their hands on Doc Brown's Delorean, because they're advertising from mid-November:


This is one huge problem I've always had with the retail sector. Yes, the holidays are the biggest money-makers for stores, but do we need to be reminded about them in JULY? Back off, Nine West! I suffer though long enough winters in Chicago without you rushing me through my summer.

If you would be so kind, zap yourself back to the present and put that on hold until after Halloween. I'm sure Doc Brown will appreciate having his car back, anyway.

Thanks.

Make the Investment: Jeans

(New category! Who's excited?!)

Jeans are tricky. It doesn't matter if you're Heidi Klum, you've had bad luck finding jeans that fit at some point. Once, when I was in high school, I tried on a pair of jeans and they were tight in the knees. Another time they were tight in the waist, yet baggy in the pelvis. A lot of times, they're just too short (which totally puzzles me, since I'm pretty sure the police would have something to say if tall people just stopped wearing pants).

I did have a go-to brand (Arizona), but after a few years the company decided that "long" actually meant "to my ankles" and I was left in the cold. In retrospect I'm glad it happened because I'm much happier with Express:

Look at the model's feet. She's wearing HEELS. Shorter people take that for granted, but I was never able to wear heels with jeans until I bought these. The long version gives me 35" of leg fabric to work with, whereas most stores cap their long lengths at 34".

They're not horribly expensive, either, at $59.50. I'd be willing to pay even more, which brings me to my point. The quest for the perfect pair can make one beat one's head against a wall, so when you find what works for you, get it. Right now. This is a VERY RARE exception to the rule of getting it on sale. Jeans have become such a staple that it's okay to make the investment, especially if you wear them everyday.

P.S. To save you the trouble of a self-inflicted head injury, I recommend trying Express; they have jeans for various body types. Mia and Zelda are for gangletons like me, Stella is a "regular" fit (whatever that is), and Eva is for those with an hourglass figure.

Wedding$: Let them eat cake!

Why the HELL are cake toppers so expensive? It makes me CRANKY. Well, I guess not all of them are pricey. Just the ones that would've gone with my wedding:


Cute, but I'm not paying $60+ for a cake topper nobody's going to remember, anyway. (I know I never remember the cake topper at a wedding, so why should anybody remember mine?)

I was spared the trouble of choosing one by the baker who showed me a picture of my cake with flowers on top, but I was considering this for a while:

It's hard to see in the picture, but it's mirrored, so you could either leave it plain or use it as a canvas for whatever adornment you want. Plus, it's way cheap: the smaller 3" version is $5.95, and the 4 ½" one is $7.95. If you're getting married, check The Knot for cake toppers first. Everywhere else will make you sad.

On the Cheap: Do you have the time?

I wear a watch everyday. My fiance does not. He wore one when we first started dating, but then decided it was "too young" for a college graduate, so now it collects dust on his phone-holder. He's spent about a year looking for something new. (This happens. It took him a year and a half to buy a new TV.)

Anyway, he found one he likes at Fossil.

I like the price: $95, plus a sweet 11-year warranty. I also like that he'll stop asking me what time it is every three minutes.

THIS watch, on the other hand, is $595 and makes no mention of a warranty. Which probably means there isn't one.

It's Swiss and features something called a "tachymeter," which just makes me think "tracheotomy." You could probably get the surgery performed for about the same price.

U.G.L.Y.: Those Summer Nights

In a complete 180 from where I was this morning, I'm getting a little unnerved by the number of U.G.L.Y. things I can find without looking very hard:

For those pesky times when your ankles get cold but your feet are sweaty! Thanks, ModCloth!

I literally cannot think of one single person who would EVER wear those. So please don't buy them and prove me wrong.

Web Gem: Very Vintage

It's been a while since I've actually counted my shoes, but I have somewhere in the ballpark of 30 pairs. I'd like to make it 31.

Crafty Crow Vintage has other delightful things, all of which are in great shape. The the bottom line is pretty good, too: those babies are $18.

I'm seriousy considering a wedding present to myself.

Hello, Gorgeous!: Tough as Nails

I've gotten a couple of manicures over the years. They're a nice treat, but by and large, I can maintain my paws at home. I was killing time before work a few days ago when I wandered into CVS to investigate wedding nailpolish.

As a 6th grader who only made a few bucks a week in allowance, Wet N' Wild nailpolish was AWESOME because it was a dollar. It never lasted very long, but I didn't care because I was 11 and had other, Hanson-related things to worry about. That was over a decade ago, so when I was at CVS I decided to give Wet N' Wild another go.

The Mega Last Strengthening polish is pretty good. I can't tell if the ends of my nails are getting chippy or if I just did a hasty job painting because I was at work (shhh). So the "mega last" part is up in the air, but it does indeed strengthen. My nails are less flimsy and I have an easier time opening cans of pop.

I've decided to wear that color for the wedding. (Which is a week from Saturday. AAH!)

Miscellaneous: Twitter

I caved. I joined Twitter. You can "follow" me here.

Can I just comment on how creepy their terminology is? You FOLLOW people. When I was in high school, I had a weird guy follow me around for a while. I caught him driving by my house a few times (which was extra spooky since we lived on a dead-end street) and then he wrote me a bunch of poems. And then he asked me on a date and seemed really confused when I said no.

Anyway, I'm on there. No poems, please.

On the Cheap: Plain and Simple

Dear J. Crew,

I saw something about you on TV this weekend. You apparently got a new CEO five or six years ago who snapped his fingers and magically re-structured the company. This has caused you to out-sell everybody (including your FOE, the Gap). In fact, I recently bought my first item from you--a tank top for $9.99, marked down from $35--and I've been very happy with it. Nicely done.

Unfortunately, there's a problem.

You see, I'm not going to pay $69.50 for that when I know Target sells something similar for $24.99.

Sorry, J. Crew. You lose.

Love,

Paige

Go Retro: Purple People Eater

After two U.G.L.Y. posts, let's do something pretty. I'm not usually so adventurous with my clothes, but this is fierce:

Maybe I was born in the wrong generation. I like dresses from back in the day a lot more than the vomit factories of 2009. Sigh. Oh well.

The Lady in Purple here is from Viva Vintage Clothing costs a very reasonable $85.

U.G.L.Y.: Who likes science?

Sometimes people look at a cloud and see an animal. The same thing can happen to me when I look at ugly articles of clothing.

This one says "owl," which leads me to think of the owl pellets I dissected in 4th grade. If you never had such a treat in your childhood, let me tell you about owl pellets.

Owls poop, just like everybody else. But sometimes if they've eaten an exoskeleton, or some fur, they need to barf it back up. This little nugget of fun is an owl pellet.

So not only is the dress itself vomit-colored, but it makes me think of additional regurgitation. I'll pass.

(Note: For Julia, owls also eat regular skeletons.)

U.G.L.Y.: An apple a day.

I have an 8-year-old cousin. She probably doesn't wear a watch but if she did, I could see it looking like this:

Adorable for a child! Sadly, it's for adults. I wish I could say this is from Wal-Mart or some equally odious company, but it's a rare misstep from Target.

This is clearly meant for teachers (and apple farmers). It's fine to wear symbolic jewelry to reflect your job--I'd wear microphone-shaped jewelry if I could find it--but this is a little aggressive. Plus it looks young, so you run the risk of a student (or apple-picking apprentice) wearing the same thing.

On the Cheap: Hi, my name is...

Oh, Neiman Marcus. You are TOO MUCH. Literally.

That, my friends, is a personalized sterling silver charm. Perhaps "silver" is a typo and they actually mean "historical relic," because it shouldn't be $250 otherwise. And don't think you get the whole necklace for that price. Nope, the chain is another $115. And if you want a gemstone accent, that'll set you back another $35-$70.

Let's get away from that foolishness. Here's the same thing from MetalPressions for $30:

It includes the chain and a freshwater pearl accent is only $5.

I was wondering what could have deluded the NM people into thinking silver is worth that much, but then I remembered that these are the same people who put a feather-light titanium motorcycle in their last Christmas catalogue. Because that's totally smart.

Web Gem: Timely Tees

The fiance and I try not to be that matchy-matchy couple. We have to be careful with this because we apparently look like we're related. In fact, a guy at a bar once asked if we were siblings. (Um, no.) We DO look similar--tall and gangly, blue eyes, swoopy brown hair--and for that reason, I make sure our clothes are vastly different.

Except for this:

Meet Zombama, our President turned into a brain-eating creature of the night! (Somebody even put him on Twitter!) You might think I'm strange with all my zombie love, but you can't deny a good deal: Zombama was $9 from Tee Fury.

If you hate it when too many people have the same clothes, Tee Fury is the place for you. They feature a new t-shirt design everyday, and you have 24 hours to order it before it's gone forever. They showcase different artists with a lot of styles, so keep checking back. And in the spirit of keeping things reasonable, every shirt is $9, plus $2 shipping to the continental US. Now that's an economic policy I can get behind.

Rules to Shop By #2: Use Coupons!

I feel like coupons are the red-haired stepchildren of the retail sector: You either put up with searching for them because you have to, or you ignore them completely. However, I've had luck using coupons and I feel like the poor guys deserve some love.

It's true that nobody likes rifiling through the Sunday paper to save 50 cents on a box of Kleenex. I'd rather watch Throwdown than spend an hour picking through dirty newsprint, which is why I'm so glad a lot of grocery stores have phased out traditional coupons. Instead, they offer special value cards, like the Preferred Customer card at Jewel, or the Fresh Values card at Dominick's/Safeway. They still send out weekly fliers, but instead of including coupons to cut out, they only inform you of the deals so you just prance into the store with your card and get all the sale prices. You'd be silly not to get one.

Traditional coupons still exist and are emailed a lot these days, but people are really down on giving out their email addresses. I understand, you don't want your inbox full of spam. But guess what? Stores don't send me spam, they send me coupons! How terrible. You shouldn't give your email to everybody (because that's when the spam comes to life), but give it to the stores you shop at a lot. For example, I'm on the Borders mailing list. They send me weekly coupons and sale lists; I haven't paid full-price for a book in years.

Finally, having a credit card through certain stores guaruntees you coupons. For obvious reasons, avoid opening credit accounts willy-nilly and stick to places you shop the most. At our house, we get Banana Republic and Macy's coupons via snail mail because we're cardholders. And they're pretty substantial amounts, like an additional 20 or 30% off. Some stores, including the Banana and Macy's, offer special discounts for cardholders, which essentially turns the card itself into a coupon. If you have a couple (and only a couple!) of stores you shop at a lot, you might want to consider opening an account to save money on stuff you're going to buy, anyway.

So instead of getting cranky about coupons, look at them as little paper friends who can turn an ordinary shopping day into a sale day.

Miscellaneous: Accio movie!

Not that I've had a countdown going for months or anything, but the next Harry Potter movie comes out a week from today. It premiered last night in London and everybody decided to be SULLEN:

Bored faces aside, I'm glad Rupert Grint finally wore a real suit. Granted, you can kind of see his pink underwear poking out the top of his pants, but I'll overlook it since he's in real clothes. Also, Dan Radcliffe's jacket features a toggle(!) in place of buttons. I hope that trend doesn't catch on.

I'm seeing The Half-Blood Prince at midnight and I hear tickets are selling especially fast for this one, so if you plan on going then, too, you might want to make your purchase before you get stuck at a 3 a.m. show.

Go Retro: Garden Party

Nobody dresses up anymore. Even for special occasions like a holiday or a party, people think they can just show up in a pair of jeans and everything will be hunky-dory. I'm not sure when it happened, but as a mental defense to this phenomenon I've developed an elaborate fantasy about going to a garden party in a foofy dress.

Maybe someday after I mysteriously inherit (or win) a bunch of money, I can rent out the Gardens of Versailles and show up in this. Tres chic! Sadly, the dress will have to remain in my imagination, too, because it's for somebody with a 24-inch waist. (I've never met such a person, by the way.) I found it on Ebay, and the auction ends too soon to post the link, but the "store" has other affordable things with new auctions weekly.

U.G.L.Y.: Holy Stripper!

I can't decide which is worse: the fact that these shoes are $600, or that they're marketed for brides.

Typically, you want to look classy and timeless on your wedding day since you'll be looking at those pictures for the rest of your life. Unless you're Elizabeth Taylor. She might actually think those shoes are awesome, but she was also BFFs with Michael Jackson, so let's not trust her judgement. (Remember when they hung out at Liza Minelli's latest wedding?)

As Tim Gunn would say, those shoes are a lot of look. I'll go one farther and say it's too much.

On the Cheap: How now brown cow?

You know, I think I laugh out loud when I'm by myself more than other people do. My co-workers probably think my cheese isn't all the way on my cracker at this point. (Or, to use another phrase courtesy of by my uncle Earl, "My bubble doesn't quite float in the middle.") The point is, I had quite the cackle this morning when I saw this bag:

My problem isn't with how it looks; it's cute, a classic design, nice neutral colors. I DO take issue with the fact that it's ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Well, technically it's marked down to--gasp!--$495. And I thought 7 for All Mankind only made overpriced jeans!

Once I stopped laughing enough to use the mouse again, I found this:

It's a little darker, but if you're considering a $1000 purse, that's the least of your problems. You might need to get your bubble checked.

The second purse is from Amazon and it's $72.

Miscellaneous: Happy 4th!

So, this picture is larger than I anticipated.

But I'll take it as a sign that today will be large on fun.

(Don't forget to wear sunscreen!)

U.G.L.Y.: Oh my GOD!

NOOOOOOOO.

HAREM PANTS?! This is a REAL TREND now? Since Project Runway isn't on anymore, I stooped to watching The Fashion Show for a couple of weeks. In one of the episodes, the designers had to pick a "trend" and make a series of outfits around it. One of the guys picked THESE stupid things, and I giggled at him for being a crazy person.

Sadly, he ended up getting the last laugh. The judges loved his clothes. And now harem pants are for sale at Urban Outfitters. Granted, Urban Outfitters is usually too trendy for its own good, but it still makes me cry that people can actually buy these.

(P.S. The shoes totally make it worse. Don't wear those, either.)

Hello, Gorgeous: Hide from the Sun

Call me crazy, but being sunburned isn't my idea of a good time. What with the pain, and the peeling, and the increased odds of skin cancer. Since it's a holiday weekend, a lot of people, including yours truly, are going to be outside. This would be a good time to invest in some sunscreen.

This is what I use. You may think the SPF 45 is overkill, but I'd prefer not to be a wrinkled hag anytime soon. (Think skimping on SPF won't matter? I ran into a girl I knew in high school a few months ago. She was always into tanning beds, and apparently still is, because she looked like she was about 30. Not that 30 is old, but I don't think you want to look 3o when you're 23. At least I don't.) I'm seeing less of the SPF 4 or 8, anyway. Maybe that's a sign to up your skin protection, eh?

Neutrogena is sold just about everywhere, but I've found the lowest prices at Target.

Wedding$: Something Blue

We all know the rhyme about what a bride is supposed to wear on her wedding day: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

If I didn't already have my jewelry squared away, I'd go blue with THIS:

It's almost too awesome for words. I keep trying to write an actual sentence about it, but all that pops into my head is "HUGE." (Thank you, brain. That's helpful.)

According to its entry on Etsy, it's a vintage brooch refashioned into a necklace. Ordinarily, I wouldn't encourage spending $94 on a something you'd only wear for one day, but a piece like this can (and better be!) worn for a long time.

Speaking of wearing things, DON'T put a lot of other jewelry with something like this. You know who would do that? Cher. The same woman who wore a feathered headdress to the Oscars. Anything you can picture on Cher shouldn't appear on your body. Period.

Ma, Look What I Got: Work Appropriate

I love a good peep toe.

The fiance bought these for me last night. (I was going to wear them today, but it's 65 and rainy when it should be 90. Whatever, Mother Nature.) The original price was $39.50, which seems a little steep for something so... basic. Apparently, other people agreed with me because now they're marked down. Gap.com lists them for $14.99 but if you make a trip to a store, you might find them for $10 like we did. Plus, no shipping!