This is a total departure today, but I think you'll forgive me. This is magic. A true gem of the internet.
It's Texts from Jane Eyre.
I. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. I've read it through about five times now, and I still do the shriek-y cackle that scares Hubsey. In fact, he took his computer and went into the dining room, but the joke's on him because that's only 15 feet away from where he was, AND he can still hear me.
I won't put the whole thing here, for that you'll need to head over to The Hairpin, but this is my favorite part (Hubsey wants me to clarify, this is Rochester talking to Jane):
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY
i am with my cousins
IS IT THE SEXY ONE
Please don't try to talk to me again
IS IT YOUR SEXY COUSIN
WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN
I'm not going to answer that
I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT
BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON'T CROSS ME
HAHA I'M ONLY JOKING
Ohmygod. It's so perfect I only wish I came up with it first. And for the record, I think Attic Wife would make a great insult. If you liked this one, there's also Texts from Scarlett O'Hara, which is equally hilarious.
What did you think? Rolling with laughter? Suspecting I'm weird? Hoping the author will do other characters? (Mr. Darcy would be hysterical.)